There was nothing like the smell of freshly cut grass in the morning. As Gary Stuart casually pushed his lawnmower across the lawn, he savored the good things in life-- His beautiful home, his pristine front lawn, his wife and children sitting motionless at the dinner table, and the brand new pond he'd just installed in his backyard, complete with tons of lively, adorable fishy friends.
Yes, Gary certainly had it good. With his lawn finally mowed, he wiped the sweat from his brow and returned to his house.
He quickly picked up the mail from his mailbox, and stepped inside-- Only to find to his horror that his freshly-installed backyard pond had been savaged, the fish all missing, with only a few flopping helplessly on the ground.
"MY FISHY FRIENDS!" Gary cried, tossing the mail aside as he quickly leapt into action-- With finely honed reflexes, Gary quickly snatched a water bottle from the fridge, filled his cheeks with delicious Arrowhead water, and spit with all his might, creating a stream of water that blasted his remaining fishy friends safely into the pond-- All was well, it seemed, but Gary's sharp eyes caught a lone fish floating belly up, the water having done little to help. The Fish Grim Reaper, it seemed, would be taking this one.
"Oh no you don't!" Gary cried, leaping into action once more-- With a flurry of action, he grabbed:
- A bottle of horseradish
- several rolls of double-sided tape
- a car battery and two jumper cables
- and a large power switch
Working at lightning speeds, Gary set up his contraption-- And with it all set up, finally Gary took a deep breath, focusing all his energy and skill that his years training in every martial art ever had borne him. With that, he quickly plunged his fist into his own chest, and wrapped his hands around his heart, grimacing somewhat as he slowed his own heartbeat-- His vision began to blur, and he could feel his spirit leaving his body; Gary collapsed, and indeed, his spirit burst from his body, just as planned.
And not a moment to soon, it appears!! Gary's ghost eyes quickly caught the fishy trail as his fishy friend was being escorted off by the Fish Grim Reaper. But not for long.
Speeding off at Mach Ghost Speed, Gary quickly grabbed hold of his fishy friend, pulling him back-- The Fish Grim Reaper whirled around in shock, before grabbing the fish's soul and pulling himself.
"wHo DaREs InTerFErE wItH mY WoRk!?" "The name's Stuart," Gary said, rearing back his fist. "
Gary Stuart. And this fish... is the one that got away!"
With that, Gary delivered a sweet Right Cross straight into the Reaper's jaw, sending the hooded bastard hurling back through the spirit world. The Reaper let out an inhuman scream that shook the very foundation of reality, before disappearing back into the realm of the dead. Gary merely smirked, his fishy friend's soul tightly in hand.
"Go fish."
Back in the real world, the horseradish bottle suspended by tape had finally broken through-- Gravity won this battle, and the horseradish dropped straight onto the power switch, which activated the car battery, which was attached to the jumper cables, each of which was stuck to one of Gary's prestigious nipples. Several thousand volts surged into Gary's lifeless body, which, combined with the stench of horseradish, was enough to wake the sleeping man's heart, which began to beat to the tune of the American National Anthem, as was usual.
Right on cue, Gary felt his soul being pulled back, and holding tightly onto his fish, he let himself be pulled back to the world of the living-- And when he opened his eyes again, the smell of horseradish and the crackle of electricity was there to greet him.
"Gary, you've done it again."
He quickly tore off the jumper cables and pulled his hand from his chest-- He quickly taped up the hole, though he wasn't too worried about it; after he'd joined that "Weapon X" program or whatever, his healing factor would take care of it in seconds, if it hadn't already. That done, Gary approached the pool expectantly, waiting to see if his fishy friend had made it.
The floating fish was still for several seconds-- Then it began to to twitch. Just a little, then more-- And finally, it drew breath and joined its comrades, ready to live the rest of its life in a meager 13 yard pond in some person's backyard. Truly, this was all worth it.
Gary sighed with relief, admiring his pond. "Ah... All better."
With that done, Gary walked back into his home, his mind deeply troubled.
"I managed to save one of my fish, but..." He muttered, picking up the mail he'd discarded earlier, "I couldn't save them all."
Who was it that so callously raided his prized pond? Have there been more crimes like this? Could ALL white suburban households with fish ponds be in danger!? Gary couldn't let that happen. This warranted further investigation-- If this world were to know any peace, the criminal-- Nay, the MONSTER behind this atrocity MUST be brought to just--
Hello, what's this? Gary glanced down at the envelope he'd been mindlessly opening, and examined the headline:
"HELP SAVE AMERICA! THE JAM-JELLY SEGREGATION CRISIS CAN NO LONGER BE IGNORED! JOIN THE JJERC TODAY!"Gary's eyes widened. "Segregation"!? Oh no, was this a race thing!? Was he being called racist!? That couldn't be-- Gary was the least racist guy he knew. He couldn't have people thinking he was a racist. Not in today's economy.
He had to let them know he wasn't racist, by any means possible. Without another word, Gary quickly checked all the boxes, signed his name, and paid the $40 entry fee.
If the JJERCs were against racism, then he HAD to become one. He wasn't racist, he just wished everyone else was as secure about that as he was! He just needed to show them; He'd become a JJERC. The biggest JJERC.
Gary Stuart would be the biggest goddamn JJERC in the entire world.
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Pinhead let out a yawn as he stepped down the stairs into the Doggenmeyer household's dining room. He slowly slipped on his sunglasses, looking around at the scene set before him.
"...What's that smell...?" He murmured, glancing around. "Are we having fish with jam? I f***ing hate jam, guys. Get some good shit, like Nutella or something. The rich, creamy taste of Nutella will satisfy all your early morning cravings."
Pinhead then produced a can of Nutella from seemingly nowhere, and held it up to the camera.
"Nutella: You'd have to be NUTS to not buy it! Nuttela, please give me money now. And also Nuttella. I'll be waiting."