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Post by cerisesuspenders on Jun 28, 2015 23:03:15 GMT
Player Apps:
Name: Ami Cloverfield Age: 17 Gender: Non-binary (female pronouns) Arcana: Star Appearance: The usual, but with a red zip-up hoodie, black tanktop, jean hotpants, white and blue striped stockings. Weapon Type: Battle Fans (not like how Yukiko used them: melee weapons) Personality: Ami's quite brash and impulsive, but not uncaring. She's able to examine situations rather well, but her mouth and hands tend to act before she finishes taking an account of consequences. Blunt and fair, faithful but quick to judge, Ami is a constant yin-yang of traits. Backstory: Ami has been a child of a dojo master for several years. She's never been expected to take the family business (as her eldest sister does so), but has always had a lifetime of high expectations. She studies hard to learn writing, basic medicine (first aid), and other assorted things with no clear direction, unsure of where she's going or what she'll do when she gets there. But despite any misgivings, she manages to add a wry energy to life, being quite personable when the mood takes her.
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Post by Clairamarata on Jul 3, 2015 12:27:06 GMT
Warning, this post is mostly negative, and does reflect slight spoilers (nothing actually really, but people be like WAAH spoilers.)
I've discussed with multiple people besides Enigma, and their initial look was "This app is very barebones, it doesn't bring anything new." As we are a group originating from the same site, most of us already know Ami. And here, she really isn't changed beyond the fact that she has a persona. This by itself goes against VN's core value, which is pushing comfort limits and allowing writers to try new things. This isn't a broken rule, or anything, this is just something I feel personally about.
First things first, Her personality really doesn't tell us anything. There's only the bare basics, and nothing else. This is a problem in an RP based around interaction and character development. There's not much we, as GMs, know about her and can be comfortable allowing her into an RP like this. Further expansion on the personality is needed.
The Backstory suffers the same problems as the Personality. There's barely anything for us to go off of, especially other players who want to properly work off your character.
Shadow, Persona, etc... They all share these basic core problems. The Shadow section you gave us gives the GMs (Who have to design and play the Shadows) nothing to work off of. Making our job even harder than it has to be. The Persona section only has ONE LINE of text. There's nothing to even begin to allow us to visualize the image you've tried to give us.
All in all, this app needs way more fleshing out and expansion in general before I could accept it. You are unfortunately rejected. Please post in this thread if you decide to redo said app.
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Post by cerisesuspenders on Jul 4, 2015 5:55:03 GMT
Changed around quite a bit, now it's a different character. I kept some things from Ami, given that I write Ami differently each time on purpose, but I changed a lot to get away from her just in case people were reading the name and then stopped reading, making assumptions. Name: Mai Kawashima Age: 17 Date of Birth: June 26th Greek Zodiac Sign: Gemini (Mercury, Mutable, Air) Chinese Zodiac Sign: Tiger (Yang, 3rd Trine, Wood) Gender: Female Sexuality: Pansexual Arcana: XVII The Star Appearance (Body): 6'9" tall; 54in-45in-52in. (bust/waist/hip); DD cup breasts (54 in over-48 in under); lean build with six-pack; lavender hair; buzz cut with 4 inch bangs that are swept to the left side; stretch marks on thighs, biceps, breasts, and torso; well-kept short fingernails; amaranth-hued irises; small nose; full lips; ears that are close to the skull with short lobes. Keeps everything else shaved. Has a beauty mark on her right cheekbone. Deeper voice. Appearance (Clothes):
Constants: Wears a black lace choker. Usually either carrying her fans or have them concealed in her shorts pockets or bra. Likes to wear dark purple lipstick and eye shadow, winging her eyelashes. Has a piercing below her bottom lip, on her tongue, through the septum of her nose, three helix piercings on each ear with spikey piercings. Uses black messenger bag to carry all of her items with neon green lining accenting the outside. It's adorned with the emblem of her dojo (a circle with the emblem of the Kawashima family) on the flap, several patches from anime and video game works adorn the flap as well. There are two water bottle pockets- one on each of the sides. The water bottle pockets are mesh with black liner. The bottom of the messenger bag is a rough, rubbery material. Inside the zipper of the main pocket underneath the flap, the lining takes the dominant color- still neon green. There are two major pockets here, one of them having a velcro strap to restrict it. In front of this major pocket is a smaller zip-up that has spaces and pockets for pencils, common toiletries, a cellphone, and other small items.
Summer Uniform: Short-sleeved white sailor fuku (navy short skirt, navy sleeve cuffs with a white line in the middle), cerise kerchief underneath the lapels, ankle-high cerise socks, black sneakers with cyan shoestrings, round shades with chrome rims (clipped to left lapel when not in use), leather black wrist with a silver buckle and silver studs strap on right wrist, fingerless arm warmers (black and cerise stripes). Winter Uniform: 3/4-sleeved navy sailor fuku (navy short skirt, white sleeve cuffs with navy line through the middle), cerise kerchief underneath the lapels, thigh-high cerise socks held by hidden black lacy garter belt, fingerless arm warmers (black and cerise stripes), black arm garters, a leather strap wristband with a silver buckle on right wrist, black sneakers with cerise shoelaces. Not going to go into underwear here unless you want me to- as it could be somehow important maybe. Summer Casual: Black tanktop with low sleeve holes (see Chloe from Life is Strange) that has a stylized picture of a rose with the text "Yankee Rose" in English above and below it with each word respectively, neon pink sports bra, jean hotpants with black belt that has studs in roygbiv rainbow formation, cerise ankle socks, black sneakers with cyan shoestrings, fingerless arm warmers (black and cerise stripes), black strap wristband with silver buckle on right wrist. Winter Casual: Form-fitting emerald-hued turtleneck sweater with her choker on the outside of the sweater's collar, black vest, black leather gloves, tight jean pants with black belt that has studs in roygbiv rainbow formation, ankle-high cerise socks, knee-high black boots with cyan shoestrings, black mosh cap with a pink checkerboard pin on the right side, large 4th-Doctor-scarf. Summer PE Outfit: White shirt with dusty rose bloomers, ankle-high cerise socks, black sneakers with cyan shoestrings. Winter PE Outfit: Blue jersey and jersey pants, thigh-high cerise socks held up by hidden garter belt, black sneakers with cyan shoestrings, black mosh cap with pink checkerboard pin on the right side, large 4th-Doctor-scarf. Swimsuit (School): Single-piece swimsuit with her family's emblem emblazoned on the front, low-cut in the back. Swimsuit (Casual 1): Her go-to is a pair of tight boyshorts-esque swim trunks with water-resistant suspenders that cover for her lack of top. (See Lei Fang's "Oriole" swimsuit for an idea of what it looks like) Swimsuit (Casual 2): White g-string V-kini with a "lipstick mark" on the right part of the top (See Christie from Dead or Alive's "Moonstone" swimsuit for an idea of what it looks like) Pajamas: Long mint gingham house robe that's tied but not closed, white t-shirt, red flannel hotpants, whatever socks are usual for the winter/summer casual, mint gingham slippers. Festival (Formal): Expertly assembled sky blue kimono with the family seal taking up the back, lavender obi, and wooden sandals. Festival (Casual): Whatever her summer/winter casual is, but with a hanya mask pushed to the right side of her head. Dojo Gi: Black gi top and bottoms, black belt with one stripe, the family symbol emblazoned in gold on the back of the gi top. Business Formal: Ami's outfit. Because I can. And I will. And I must. And IIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUU~
Weapon Type: Battle Fans (not like how Yukiko used them: melee weapons). The default ones she will always carry around are of metal frames with metal prongs covered in pink, fluffy material.
Personality: (the first list will be more for public reference, the rest below is a more detailed and coherent explanation) Gemini: (+) Energetic, clever, witty, imaginative, adaptable. Gemini: (-) Superficial, impulsive, restless, devious, indecisive. Mercury: Mercury represents the principles of communication, mentality, thinking patterns, rationality and reasoning, and adaptability and variability. Mercury governs schooling and education, the immediate environment of neighbors, siblings and cousins, transport over short distances, messages and forms of communication such as post, email and telephone, newspapers, journalism and writing, information gathering skills and physical dexterity. The 1st-century poet Manilius described Mercury as an inconstant, vivacious and curious planet. Mutable: Adaptability; flexible; resourceful Air: Communication; socialization; conceptualization Tiger: Leadership, daring, generous with important matters, selfish with minor matters, unpredictable, tense, confident, caring, fierce, adventurous. Yang: Light, positive, active, masculine, overt 3rd Trine: Seeking love, humanitarian causes, idealistic, independent, impulsive, productive, enthusiastic, honorable, loyal, protective, rash, rebellious, quarrelsome, disagreeable, stubborn. Wood: High morals, is self-confident, expansive and co-operative, with wide and varied interests and idealistic goals. Star: Hope, self-confidence, faith, altruism, luck, generosity, peace and joy.
Backstory:
Mai was born in 1998 as the second of 5 children. She is the younger fraternal twin, born a half a day later than her sister (so her mother affectionately jokes that they were the closest of the twins because Mai "didn't want to leave her mom for a second"). She's always looked up to her parents, and this has led to her working hard at the dojo they work in. However, things were made very clear to her from the beginning. She was expected to work as hard as her twin sister, but with much less pleasant rewards. She would always be a rank below her sister and someday she would be expected to move away, marry, and have kids to open or maintain another branch of the family dojo.
Persona Apps:
Persona Name: Yog-Sothoth Appearance: Three glowing spheres that change colors in random patterns. They move in circular motions and are about the size of a beach ball. They twist their axis, but never move in their formation. The reason they're glowing spheres is that I'm basing it off of the most common depiction that actually uses words (other than "horribly indescribable") from the source material of HP Lovecraft. Stats: You have 20 points to distribute to the stats below. Strength: 3 Magic: 7 Endurance: 5 Agility: 5 Type: Choose one of the following to be weak to, and one to be strong to. Strong: Darkness Weak: Fire (Because her zodiac elemnts are air and wood- air feeds fire and wood reacts with fire in Chinese elements)
Skills: Mudo Double Fangs Dia
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Post by Clairamarata on Jul 6, 2015 13:30:10 GMT
As unfortunate and as strange as this sounds, we have decided to reject your app again.
This'll sound a bit contradictory, but... Your app has TOO much. Like legitimately too much to it that it's actually harder to read and comprehend the point than it was earlier. It feels like you just splashed around as many details as you wanted just to get to a huge length. When I said more, I didn't exactly mean to make it into a huge novel of an app. Just flesh out the details you had better, and make it easier for us to work with your app.
You did the exact opposite of the last, and now we have way more than what we need, to the point where it'd be hard to do anything with that.
I recommend a huge cut down on details, and sorting through it. Go "Is this necessary to have?" or "Will this add to my character at all in the story?" as a starting point, and then keep going.
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